What About Me?!
I'm 43 and still learning about myself and the world. I'm maybe, perhaps, finally accepting this as reality, but the prior programming is markedly ingrained. I'm having to unlearn messages and expectations such as: work hard and then you'll arrive, do this and you'll live happy ever after, maturity is a destination not a journey.
Something that I'm learning recently revolves around: what about me? As i dig deeper into myself to discover my deepest self, I run into barriers. I discover hang-ups. I come across wires that carry messages at lightning fast speeds to direct my behavior - behavior that is unconscious. I'm doing the work to bring these thoughts to my conscious mind.
So what does this look like? It looks like pausing when I'm having thoughts, behaviors, or feelings that I don't like, that I don't think represent my best self, that might negatively impact others. This might be the flash of rage that takes me over momentarily as I drive the Southern California freeways. It might be the sadness and negative thoughts I have at times when scrolling on Instagram. It might be the ill will or jealousy that I feel towards another's success, travels, and bounty.
I've dug the numerous layers through this to a foundational thought that is faulty. This belief, and in this case, doubt, is common to all these scenarios. Underlying it all is: "what about me?" Underlying it all are the questions of whether something in me is defective, am I lovable, do people see me, is there enough in the world/the universe?
This seems to be an expression of scarcity. It gets operationalized in behavior that caused me to puff up, wall up, and live contracted.
The opposite of this is to believe that I am enough and that there is enough. So if someone else takes an amazing trip, buys a beautiful house, gets public accolades, has an incredible family, I can celebrate them knowing it has nothing to do with me. It speaks nothing to my worth, my purpose, my journey. There is enough in the universe for me too.
Comparison is deadly and needs to be killed. Comparison screams: "what about me?!"
So now I catch myself thinking: what about me when I'm cut off in traffic, or I feel the pangs of jealousy, or wonder about my relationships. I can now speak directly to the falsity of this question. Paired with the wisdom that maturity is a life-long process and not an arrival point, I can even smile or laugh in recognition of this old friend trying to protect me, but failing miserably to do so. I can be kind with myself knowing that the overall pattern is that my road rage diminishes so much faster and now I even finding myself saying a blessing for that person (after the heat releases from my body). I find myself grateful for this metric letting me know that I still need to work on lessening the "what about me?" cries. As I release its grasp on me, I free myself to love myself more and to love others more. This is an exciting, wide, expansive place to be, brimming with creative possibilities. As I reprogram, I sense I am more connected to the Source of Life, to Love, and for this I am immensely grateful. Joy and peace are found here.
Do you, too, struggle with: "what about me?"
Do you have other detrimental programming underlying your predictably unpredictable behavior?
Have you gotten curious about your "negative" emotions and regrettable actions and thoughts?
What are ways you can practice examining your underlying thoughts and beliefs?
May you always see the blessing.
-esb