Twitch
I never knew you, and I know so very little about you, but hearing of your passing feels very heavy. I imagine your suffering, the suffering of your children and anyone you were partnered to. I imagine the inconsolable aching loss of those who loved you and were near to you. I imagine the sadness of those whose lives you've touched with your smile, your dancing, your work, your words, your presence.
I'm sorry that it was too much. I'm sorry that it felt too much. I imagine the weight of being a Black man in the world. How lonely and isolated you must have felt. I'm sorry that the support you got wasn't enough to fill that hole. I wonder if you gave more as you burned bright for others than you were able to receive. I wonder how many times you were turned over for jobs, how many times pulled over, how many times called the "n" word.
While I know you had your own story and your own journey, I know you bore so much as a Black person, so much that the world perpetuates, while simultaneously denying. I'm sure it often felt too much.
I've opened myself up enough, through the gracious giving of Black people and their stories, to know your experience is shared by so many Black individuals.
This isn't about me, but then again, it is. I didn't know you. I don't think I had influence in your life, but then again, we don't know the ripples of our lives. We often deny how much doing our part matters. Think "It's a Wonderful Life." I think of systemic racism and how much more I could do to dismantle it. I want to be comfortable being uncomfortable in learning of the Black experience in the U.S. and globally past and present.
This passion burned bright and long after George Floyd's murder, but I burned out - not just on anti-racism work, but on life. This year I've had to release so many things - expectations of myself, expectations of others, relationships, lifestyles, a leadership role. I've learned more to rest, to enjoy, to delight, to connect. These seem vital to healthy living. These seem vital to anti-racism work, to healthier communities, to justice and equity.
There is so much that I desire about diversity, but letting go of expectations has helped me to accept what is - to accept who I am, who you are, and how the world is. It's complicated and beautiful. This is the mysterious gift of diversity - it adds life, texture, vibrance, and evolution.
Twitch, you are missed and loved more than you ever knew. I'm sorry it was too much. I'm sorry to all those who have felt it is too much. The truth is: we are better for you here. You are one of a kind. You're right - it's so hard, but it's also so beautiful. Train your eyes for the beauty.
May we increasingly love more deeply, profoundly, and broadly.
What makes you feel that it's too much?
How can you help yourself see the beauty today?
How can you help someone else see the beauty today?
What is a next step for you to participate and celebrate more diversity?
Beloved, may you always see the blessing.
-esb
