Supposed To
There's so many things I'm supposed to do: have side businesses creating passive income, flossing my teeth daily, responding to emails in a timely manner, drinking enough water, putting on sunscreen, write thank you cards, don't leave empty cups/mugs in a room, meal plan, save for retirement, iron my clothes, donate to NPR, not take too long of showers, buy items good for the environment or minimally harmful.
Do I do all these? No. Occasionally? Yes. Some better than others? Yes.
But what is happening? Well, I'm doing my best - my best to show up, my best to be kind and generous, my best to leave things better than I found them. If I consider all the things I'm supposed to do, I get overwhelmed; I get tired; I get immobilized; I get anxious and sad. I begin to think I'm not enough, that I'm flawed, that my presence and impact don't matter.
But my actions do matter, however imperfect they may be.
Last night I watched the new movie musical "Spirited" starring Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds. The dancing and choreography were top notch and the movie lively and humorous throughout. Playing on a reprise of the Charles Dickens' "Christmas Carol" for modern times, it highlighted how we often see things as good or bad, black or white, and are impatient with change - longing for miracles. It addressed how our beliefs, fears, and actions are intertwined - settling on the decision that positive impact isn't without effort and consequence and progress over time, but addressing our fears, our shadows in turn allows us to change our beliefs, and we know what we believe based on our behavior. Attempts at perfection, in fact, limit our capacity to change at all. To truly grow, we need to face the parts of us which we don't yet like, and with which we aren't yet comfortable.
So as this year winds down, you might find yourself on vacation, or right back to work. Either way, as 2022 makes way for 2023, you can let go of the "supposed to" tyranny and instead get to know yourself more by using time to be with yourself and listen - even five minutes will begin to change you. I am confident you will be surprised by what you find (and pleasantly so, if you stick with it). Once you sit through the anxiousness and whirling, bouncing thoughts, you can address emotions, needs, and desires that have been flowing below. You can even descend sufficiently deep to begin to soften, to cry, to smile, to be grateful, to sense eternal enough-ness, to be remarkably content. You might then find yourself releasing, and in doing so, being free to receive the gracious and abundant things that are ready and waiting in your current circumstances.
What do you feel you're supposed to do?
Is perfection a goal you strive for?
What are you being invited to let go of?
What emotions are asking for you to curiously sit with?
May you always see the blessing.
-esb