New Life

My body keeps trying to create life. Each month the death of the cells of my uterine wall remind me of this, although I haven't previously viewed it this way. Each month faithfully my body surges to generate a new human. It's incredible that my body has this capacity. Well, presumably it does. I've never tried to get pregnant. This biological component of my body was never that important to me.

I have wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember, but it was never important to me that my future children carried my genetic code. My green eyes are the only thing that gives me pause in that regard. I thought I would be a parent young, like my parents. I didn't plan to have children until married and marriage didn't come for me until my late 20's. In talking to my boyfriend, turned fiancé, turned husband we would have two children and adopt them both. 

But at some point in our marriage that changed, and it wasn't my decision. It also wasn't something that he was forthcoming about. I was patient and then more patient and then more patient. It just wasn't the right time. He would eventually be ready. After a while, it seemed that perhaps he didn't think I would be a good mom or maybe the sacrifices of parenting that he observed were just too much for the joys and gifts it brings.

None the less, my body has a rhythm to create new life. That is marvelous to consider. This cycle that I had learned to hide and be ashamed of was simply my body going through the life and death cycle. Why is that something to tuck away? My body is incredible and so reactive. The rhythm of my menstrual cycle can change with activity and stress and so many other factors. My body is so in tune with itself. For so long, I did my best to ignore it and pretend it wasn't a regular. I distanced myself from it, rather than listening to it.

Now as my relationship with my husband takes a new and evolving direction, and I began bleeding four days ago, I am reminded of my bodies longing to mother. It's in my cells and DNA, and it's in my spirit too. I still want to be a mother. I know there's many ways to mother, and I think I already do that, but I also desire to have that child that I hold in my arms and feel my heart swell to bursting - bigger than I ever knew possible.

Thank you, body, for holding truth that I often ignore. Thank you for your miraculous capacity to generate life, in so many ways. I am ready to participate more with you.

-esb