Doing Great!
"You're doing great!" That's what my therapist said to me after I recounted all the things I am doing for health and wellness. For months I have turned up the dial on these activities, including taking unprecedented months off work. "But if I am doing great, why did I still feel this way?," I queried internally. (Maybe I should have said it out loud.) Why were my emotions tossing me about like the agitator in a washing machine? Why were positive effects not longer lasting?
I had wondered these things for months. How many months was this going to take? I shuttered with the passing musing that maybe this would last years, and even worse, be permanent.
His words gave me pause. I took in his words. (I likely cried.) In spite of this incredibly hard and transitional season, I am doing healthy things, that is, I am choosing to invest in activities that foster healing. My actions are great.
So my therapist's reflection was helpful. I could see that I wasn't numbing. I was reaching out to people. I was feeling. I was sharing. I was resting. I was creating. I was seeking play. It gave me permission to tell myself that I was doing well, or even better, that I was doing great!
Hearing and saying words is transformative and enters a separate domain that merely thinking thoughts do not. With his declaration, I began, on occasion, to consider and believe, even if just temporarily, that I was doing great.
It's interesting that as I type these words and struggle to form cohesive paragraphs from these thoughts and experiences, I changed the words my therapist said. He said: "you're doing great," but I keep writing: "you're doing a great job." This is worth a ponder. I approach life so often like work - a job to do, something to be productive at. I can view my healing this way, as well. Am I doing the work to heal? Could I do more? Do I have the right ratio of interventions?
To me, if I'm doing great, I will feel great. Currently, feeling great is rare and fleeting when I do experience it. Often, in this season, I feel below average. Not all the time, for sure. I still am enjoying many things and people and experiences. But recall the washing machine, I can swing so quickly by circumstances or simply a wayward thought.
To me, doing great, is indicated by a steadiness. I wonder if the steadiness I was accustomed to was more suppression than anything else. And I am now committed to fully feeling the highs and lows.
I am learning more about emotions and learning healthier ways to think about them. I am learning to be curious about them, but not be controlled by them. Recently, I am often confused by emotions and find myself dysregulated. In this path that I have chosen and has been chosen for me, the emotions are intense and point to my values, expectations, needs, and desires.
But so much of healing seems to be about being and listening and practicing curiosity. Healing requires exploration - exploring emotions and thought patterns, but also exploring reaching out to people, journaling, creating art, etc.
In the mysterious way that the universe works and provides care for us, exploration gave me a gift. I was staying with friends a couple weeks ago, packing things for my upcoming phase of travel. My friend knocked and appeared in the doorway to my bedroom. She began: "I'm not sure why, but I feel I'm supposed to give this to you." As she said this she extended her arms, revealing a pale pink sweatshirt with white lettering. It read: You're Doing Great. I burst into tears. She hadn't known of my encounter with my therapist. I cried and hugged her multiple times, feeling the weight of the encouragement, which helps me live in courage to keep going. I told her of my therapist's words and we again embraced.
You’re Doing Great!
It's outstandingly beautiful when people follow the prompts to show love to another. With the soft, cozy "You're Doing Great" sweatshirt now in my possession, I repacked my bag, removing a jacket and shirt to make space. A huge part of my healing work is knowing there is enough and that I'm enough. Surprises like this are physical reminders of the care and enoughness, so, yes, I have draped this shirt whenever I'm not wearing it with the lettering facing outward over the back of a prominently placed chair, to serve as a reminder that I'm doing great and there is enough and people love me. These are basic, core things, but may just be enough to live a great life and pull me forward into what's next.
May you always see the blessing.
-Elle