Loneliness Dilemma
I am going through a season. It's private, but I'm also working to be open and vulnerable with friends. As I do this, people are, in turn, open with me. (Of course, not everyone, but that is a different topic to explore).
As I share about relationship challenges and my struggles to manage them, people share about their challenges. A deep connection is made, and it is beautiful. Being seen is wonderful, holding space for another is wonderful. Having space held for you is wonderful.
Letting down your guard is something else. It's entirely different than what has been modeled for most of us in relationships. It is wildly different than the culture at large which makes us deny our inner life. We become alienated from the core parts of us as we armor up.
When a friend takes off a mask, showing what is behind, it is beautiful. Our essences are pure beauty, but are, of course, tender.
As I am living my life increasingly unmasked, others bravely unmask themselves. In the unmasking, hurts, pains, and longings are revealed. While beautiful, joining in the suffering of others also hurts. Because this season is an overriding season of grief for me, others are showing me their grief. It makes me feel less alone, but I also realize how lonely and discontent so many of us really feel. As i feel more deeply and allow for the deeper feelings of others, a weightiness is felt. Can I bear all this? Is this the state of the world? Is this what life is about? I begin to lose heart. Despair knocks at my door. This is one of the reasons why we choose not to feel. We are easily overwhelmed. We aren't well equipped to deal with less pleasant emotions.
As I walked to the café today to write, my mind mulled this over and I teared up as I recognized the invitation to a different way to live - to live fully not leaving parts out. Was I willing to go wholly into what it means to be human? Was I willing to feel intensely and yet choose hope, rather than despair?
If sadness equals despair, we are in trouble. Our culture has taught us to despair when we feel sad or lonely, but perhaps our sadness and loneliness should draw us together? My experience in this season of transition and grief is that people are meeting me as I open up more. I've had more sleepover at friends in the last month than in years. Sleepovers are still fun in your 40's, although they certainly look different than in adolescence! Namely, I prioritize rest and sleep. But I still love the heart to hearts that come from prolonged days together. As I unmask and show my heart, people are showing their love and support in their own way and in ways I missed out for years (decades?) by sharing with so few.
I am savoring the reconnection with friends, the formation of new friendships, and the kinship that is marking this season.
Rather than despair as I see loneliness in others, loneliness invites me to expand my love, and love is a verb - an action. Growth and community are beautiful and can blossom out of loneliness. Loneliness is not the problem. It can point us to our need for each other if we don't listen to the shame and posturing that our ego presents. As usual, awareness is needed.
What do you make of the loneliness dilemma? What do you believe about loneliness? Will you isolate? Despair? Or reach out in love, bravery, hope, and reciprocity?
Today I moved away from despair towards the hope that I can expand in love now that I know your lived experience better. I can participate in the flow and the creativity that it generates.
May you always see the blessing.
-Elle