Divorce Registry
It's time we introduce and normalize divorce registries.
Let's just get this out there. What follows may cause unpleasant emotions in you. You don't have to agree. It doesn't mean it's not worth sharing.
Disclaimer: This is my opinion and doesn't reflect what every divorcee wants or needs. Just in the same way not all birthday celebrations, or baby showers, weddings or funerals are the same. I share this because my experience matters and representation matters. For 40+ years of my life, I wasn't on the path to divorce and I didn't know options for good ways to support those on the path to divorce. But now my life experience has given me more insight and I'm choosing to share with you, if you choose to read.
The story of divorce needs to change. Pity is not the way, nor is fearing its presumed contagiousness. Honestly, the most supporting people to me as a woman are divorced women. I think it is assumed that women will take care of themselves, but men can't after a divorce and we interact with said persons accordingly.
There is no one right way, but that doesn't make what I'm saying not true. Generalizations don't speak for everyone, but they do point out cultural currents. Until individuals speak up, it's hard to see the trends. Talk to any marginalized person - a person of color, someone differently abled, queer individuals, elders, females, someone from a nation that is negatively viewed by popular society, addicts and so on. It's why communities of people with similar experiences matter. It is affirming. It is validating for someone to share feeling ostracized, attacked, harmed, and for someone else to say: "me too." No one wants to feel they are living on the perimeter of what's acceptable. But it is those people, who, because of their suffering, tend to offer love much more freely and openly.
I am now well on my way to being pushed to the margin by my relationship status. I am inviting you to see some of my experience. I do this in hopes that doing so might allow me to be better loved by others by creating lines of connection. I believe profoundly in love. I believe it is why we are here. I believe it is our invitation. We are invited to love the Creator, to love ourselves, to love others - in a dance, of sorts. I am sharing to find more dance partners and better dance partners, but like any dance party there are many too scared to dance who are also tempted to judge those freely dancing because they live in so much judgement of themselves. It is for freedom that we have been set free. I believe leaving my husband last year was an invitation into greater love - into greater Love.
I hope that my sharing will be reciprocated with tenderness and love. I also hope the experience of my sharing helps you to better love those who you love and feel called to love who find themselves on the journey of divorce.
Divorce is simply a transition. We are often good at celebrating and marking transitions - birthdays, graduations, promotions, moves, transitions into adulthood, engagements, weddings, home purchases, deaths of loved ones, retirements. But our society has some very significant oversights. We assign some transitions as good and worthy of celebration, ceremonies, and companions. And we assign some to marginalized places, yielding alienation, and avoiding the topic all together. Some missed opportunities to communally love one another that I can think of right off the bat include: coming out, loss of child before birth, and divorce. It's time to evolve. It's time to do better.
What I'm about to do is very risky - risky in, oh, so many ways! I'm pretty scared, but I'm also excited at this prompt and calling to share my story and invite others into it.
Divorce is complicated. It's bittersweet. It's never the endgame someone envisions when they begin a relationship. But sometimes to really love someone, you have to let them go. Loving someone must always include letting them be the fullness of themselves. Sometimes the full experience that comes with near proximity and intimacy to someone is mutually beneficial, and sometimes it's not. It's okay, healthy, and even beautiful to realize that this close proximity is no longer resulting in flourishing of both parties. The intention to be with someone for life is beautiful, but I no longer will put sustaining a relationship above the health of the individuals that make up the relationship.
One of the hard and very practical, physical challenges with divorce is having to start over with the material things that we need to get through life. When you divorce, you end up with half of a household's worth of items. Wouldn't a registry be helpful in a difficult time to support those we love? Why do we only do registries for the “happy” transitions? Why don’t we support each other physically - whether a happy or sad, planned or unplanned, complicated or bittersweet transition? Transitions are both/and - that is bittersweet. It's just that with some we celebrate the sweet portions and others we fail to.
We should help each other out and register for things. We should create pathways for support and with a divorce a registry makes so much sense! So yes to a few pots, measuring cups, a bed, an armchair, and a washer. Yes to more spoons, and a toaster oven. Send over another set of towels, and even a bike pump, or 2-person tent.
Why don’t we do this?! It's such an obvious way to support a loved one, someone we care about. Why are we so afraid of pain and hurt? We alienate people to protect our own comfort.
I am sharing the vulnerability of this to help de-stigmatize the process. Honestly, I am very glad to be getting divorced. I am very happy, and I do not regret taking this step. Do I wish I could have avoided the heartache? Yes, but that's not my journey. I have a new home and a new love interest, but the financial and physical tolls have been brutal and the lack of support has been heart-breaking. I have learned first-hand that we can treat those getting divorced much better - a little less like relational lepers and a bit more like beloved humans that are struggling and so incredibly beautiful. More compassion, please! (FYI - compassion is love in action, not thoughts and prayers).
There is so much to be celebrated in my divorce journey - new experiences, a profound and expanding appreciate for beauty, more tenderness, more peace and hope, more freedom, more laughter and dancing. I am much more centered, grounded, and easily satisfied. I wish the auto response from people when I told them of my separation and pending divorce wasn't: "I'm sorry," but rather curiosity. Here are some suggestions that are Elle-approved:
"Wow - that's a big change. What has it felt like?"
"Wow - you were together a long time (yep - 16 years). I'm sure there are parts that feel inviting and parts that feel hard. How are you doing?"
"That is big news. How can I support you?"
"That must have taken a great deal of thought and consideration to arrive at this decision. What are you hopeful for?"
So I'm nervous, but part of my Divine invitation in this evolving season is to risk asking people to support me and to not try to do it all on myself. I didn't do it by myself when I left for college - getting hand-me down furniture and pots/pans along the way. We didn't do it by ourselves when my prior partner and I launched into marriage - we registered and people generously gave. I've done my work on the shame that I felt with entering towards a new label that is viewed poorly - divorced. I can't do life alone and neither can your loved ones on their divorce journeys. So check around your home and in your bank accounts for how you might be able to physically get them through this challenging financial time. Please, please act in love.
My risk isn't complete without sharing a registry. So here is where you can access my divorce registry:
https://www.myregistry.com/wishlist/elizabeth-elle-bottrell-los-angeles-ca/3778794
May you always see the blessing.
-esb