Coming Out

I didn't get this out during pride month, as hoped, but here it is in early July, just after my 44th birthday.

I never thought I'd be writing my coming out story. But here I am.

Then again, I don't feel like I'm coming out from anything. I don't feel like I was hiding anything (which is how I've earlier interpreted coming out). That's how I thought coming out was largely represented and maybe it is. I have thought it - a secret revealed. I don't relate to this. I don't feel that I'm releasing a truth I knew and had hidden. Instead, I am releasing and discovering capabilities that I never knew I had. I am capable of more expansive and deeper love than I ever knew.

"Love is the most powerful force for change in the world." That's what the mug she got me two Christmases ago/ reads. Yet, a few short months after the giving of that gift, we were no longer in relationship with one another - our friendship seemed like it might be relegated to past tense. 

I still drink out of this mug. It's tall, yet cozy, and has a nice little divot on the top rim for the string of the tea bag to exit while allowing the lid and its seal to rest securely in place without disruption.

I once again, like so many times before, read the text as my hands cradle the mug to extract warmth on chilly mornings. I considered the message. Did I believe it like when she first gave me the mug? Was it true, even in the often intensely painful journey of this past year?

Love is a very powerful force for change. The most? Yes, upon consideration I think it is THE most powerful.  

Said differently: Love Wins. I'm learning that love can win in places that I didn't expect it to, with people I wasn't looking for it to, and in ways that I had never imagined. But love prevails, even when it is full of surprises.

So my coming out is not a coming out from hiding, but instead a sharing of my recent entry into the wild and open expanse of: love is love. 

I've known romantic love with my prior partner - a husband of 14 years - and then in this past year with two women - although with very different relational turns. It took nine months, from my profession of love to the first woman (and subsequent rejection), to meet the second woman who would actually reciprocate love with action and then proceed to elevate love to a level I had never previously experienced. 

I now know that I don't need to limit my love to a man. The deep companionship I've longed for can be found in the company and arms of another woman. I mean this not just theoretically, but experientially, even for someone like me - a good Christian.

So my coming out is not about taking on a label or identity, but I know these are so important in our society and consequently easy for people to expect, inquire about, and provide unsolicited.

I'm not wearing a new badge, carrying a new card, or playing for a new team. I am simply a woman who has fallen deeply in love with the profound beauty of the humanity and divinity of another woman - a woman who sees my humanity and divinity in return. We behold each other with delight.

This is what we long for. This is the genesis of so much art - so many songs, books, poems, and films time and time again devote themselves to the pining for and celebration of this type of love. I believe this love is available not just to me, but to you - from a man or woman, regardless whether you are a man or woman. 

Love is, after all, love. To experience this love, you have to do your work - including sitting in your hurt and looking at your wounds, grieving, accepting, and celebrating. Once you are able to hold space for yourself, you can hold space for another. It is in this space that love flourishes. All kinds of love flourishes here - sisterly, agape, eros. 

Love is not to be feared, but the intensity of a pure love with its unpredictability and loss of control will terrify you, while also bringing such mysterious peace and joy.

May we all come out to more expansive places of love. May you experience love that expands your heart well beyond what you thought was possible.

I'm so glad that I'm coming out. Pride month looked different this year and I'm grateful. 

May you always see the blessing.

-esb