Trusting Big Love
My life has changed a lot in the last week. I met someone. The pattern is one of leaning in, alternating with the other leaning in. And it kind of snowballed from there. The snowball was building into an avalanche of affection. With each pause to consider "is this really happening," and what should my next step be, I repeatedly chose honesty.
It was disarming. It felt so good and so much better than I had hoped for and so sudden that I found it utterly disorienting. I felt so different than a few days or week before. I was behaving differently and giving a lot of time and energy to a person that I had never met in person.
I then realized more specifically that it wasn't disorientation, but reorientation, because I was taking action. I wasn't lost in time and space, although the sudden shift did feel akin to disorientation.
As I write these words, my gaze shifts upward to the faded yellow post-it note adhered to my second computer monitor. In my handwriting is a Paulo Cuehlo quote that I have found orienting: "every blessing ignored becomes a curse." This is a different way of saying one of my life mantras and the main blessing I offer others: "may you always see the blessing."
We usually have a story about how we believe life should go. It helps us navigate the nuances, complexities, and daily decisions of our lives. Most of us are not good at pivoting and rewriting these stories in a way that aligns with our true essence and values. We cling to old stories that have defined how we live. As we hold these stories tight, we don't allow for the new story and stories to unfold.
My story this summer was one of intense loneliness, grief and sadness. I was planning to approach dating casually with no intentions for any strong affinity to happen quickly. But within a day of communicating with this person (shoutout to online dating), I was very attracted. Could I handle bigger attraction? If I was, I was going to have to let go of the narrative that I was a grieving person with nothing to offer in a romantic relationship at this time.
This person was manifesting so many of the things that touched me deeply - scarily deep. With each progressive interaction, even little electronic texts, I sensed a loss of control. This was deviating from the story I had been operating in. But damn, it was feeling good and maybe, possibly, like everything I had ever wanted. Shit, that's scary!
I was just dipping a finger or toe into dating here in LA and trying to go on a few dates and see how it feels, yet here I was, not even out on my first date, not interested in dating others and wondering if this could be the one - the one I'd been longing for. There were just too many signs - too many affirmations - of green lighting this relationship. Certainly, it wasn't without question marks and I was intentional to hold the both/and of this possibly just being a temporary stepping stone - albeit a positive one. But would I be willing to trust that I could I have a big love like I'd hoped for for so many years? Would I be willing to ride the waves of these interactions offering even more than I'd hoped for?
I remember God telling me, when I sat alone in my mid-20s in the sands of White Sands National Monument - that I wasn't meant to do it alone. I was talking to her, confessing how good it felt to be there in nature, with my hands dirty, but that being there alone didn't feel right. "You're not meant to be alone" came the reply. But circumstances have caused me to frequently be alone in nature in the nearly 20 years since I sat there talking to God, watching the afterglow of a gorgeous sunset over the mountain range bordering White Sands on the west, and letting the very fine sands of the monument run through my hands.
I feel like in this next season, the story I'm being invited into, will no longer necessitate my feeling or being alone. The expansive warmth deep in my chest radiating outwards intuits this in my body.
I can choose to participate in this emerging story or I can pull back and keep it safe in what's familiar. But honestly, the familiar hasn't fully served me, and it's not where I want to stay. So while I dislike the unpleasant feelings of growth, I am doing my best to offer my full self to what is next - to offer my full self to another.
I am so grateful for the prior season of solitude and diving deep within. I know myself so much better, I am so much more kind with myself, so much more patient, so much more proud, so much more tender, so much more open and honest, so much more brave. That learning isn't going away in this new season; rather it is the foundation for the beautiful unfolding of new love.
I have been worried about this next season, that in spite of my intentions, I would repeat old patterns and live the same story again but with a different person and in a different context. While this is a good awareness to have, the hard-earned practice of pausing and listening for the invitation is serving me well and taking me to beautiful new terrain and promising such hope for exploration and expansion. So I will let the worry go and instead replace it with awareness.
What are things that are holding you back from big love?
Do you even believe in big love?
What do you need to let go of to lean into big love?
How can you participate more fully in big love?
Beloveds, may you always see the blessing.
May you trust in big love.
-esb