Self-Love: Dinner Time!
Prior to my marriage, I had insecurities. And surprise, surprise - they didn't suddenly resolve once I got married. They were still there - either dormant or masked. In the presence of my husband and security of the relationship, I didn't have to regularly face some outward facing insecurities - namely, the full weight of doubts about my value.
We often look to love and companionship to fill things in us. I'm not the first to say so, but this is not how it works. No other person can heal us, fill us up, change us. Others can distract us from the hole(s) sufficiently that we forget about them, but the holes don't go away simply by being in the regular company of another. While true love, like bell hooks discusses, can support us and help us to do the work we each need to do individually, the love itself doesn't make the healing happen. Each has to do her or his own work.
In this new season of my life, I don't have the distraction of the companionship of someone else to cover over these ghosts. It's just me and the old familiar wobbliness that was steadied by my husband and the knowledge of my relationship over the past decade and a half. So in my early 40's, I get to pickup where I left off in my late 20's. This season is, of course, also layered with the grief and change of so many life patterns, now gone forever.
As one would expect, It feels quite terrible to feel exposed, soft, and unsteady. To make matters worse, it feels like the whole world can tell at a glance.
While I would love to jump right back into the quasi-safety of a relationship, I know there is a huge blessing of the spotlight on my not fully mature self-love. So as I lay here disrobed in the late evening sun, do I wish someone was here with me? Yes, and that's okay. But I know that I'm on my way to wanting someone to be here, but not questioning my worth because someone isn't.
I learned a great deal these past few years about self-love, and I'm so, so grateful for the evolution, but there's nothing like the dissolution of a long-standing committed, romantic relationship to turn the self-love learning up to 11! So I'm getting better at accepting sadness that comes, weathering it, being curious about it, and addressing underlying thought patterns that, in the interest of fulfilled living, would best be reprogramed. I'm getting even better, broader, and deeper with behaviors that assist in the reprograming - like exercise, journaling, contemplation, art, breath work, dancing, and so on. Curiosity is leading to me to explore other ways to evolve and undo harmful beliefs.
I'm approximately 3 weeks into a stay in a beautiful, small city in Mexico, and prior to tonight I hadn't gone out to dinner. This is partly pragmatic frugality, but is also partly the reality of dining alone. I've never gone to a sit-down restaurant and had dinner by myself. Sure, I'll go get counter service tacos, or a slice a pizza, or something similar. But sit down and be served? Nope. I've progressed recently to doing breakfast and lunches solo, but even this is particularly when I'm intentionally traveling alone. Breakfasts and lunches are emotionally safer to me than a dinner.
As I rest and explore what I like in this season, I consider: me - away from the desires or needs of someone else. Me - away from social pressures. Simply: me. I'm listening and taking steps to explore what comes up. I've been trying to do one special thing a day - yoga class, haircut, massage, watercolor at the park, and so on. I'm behind on a lot of these due to COVID taking residence in my body one week into my time here, but I'm getting back to it as I look down my last week at this destination.
So after doing battle with my frugality and loneliness woes, I ventured out to the streets of San Miguel to find the appropriate dining establishment. It felt so vulnerable. I really wanted a place with a view, which would offer me something to do while I ate. But the first place with a terrace closed at 4pm. At the second place, the prices were too reminiscent of L.A. for my first venture out and to make a nightly excursion. The third option - a dark, uber hip bar with bartenders that reminded me of my ex- seated me, and then informed me that their kitchen wasn't open for some reason (at 7pm on Sunday with the streets plum full of people looking for a good time). I left confused because I had eaten delicious shrimp tacos there two weeks before after being forced in to wait out a mesmerizing downpour my first week in town. I ambled across the street, checked the menu at the door, and because they had a rooftop terrace overlooking the main square, I would bite the bullet and drop $20 for a salmon entree. No I wouldn't, the hostess repeated a similar line as the hipster place across the street, currently they had bar service.
Discouraged and confused, I continued my wander to some of the restaurants on my street which I walked past time and time again without stopping. Checking the menu of the next place in spite of its lack of view, I was intrigued by the cream of cilantro/coriander soup, and found I could get some veggie quesadillas to pair with it. But then I couldn't figure out the way to get a table, maybe there was a line? Feeling insecure as I was and with my Spanish as limited as it is, I returned to walking, next eyeing an establishment kitty corner.
Darn it - no menu at the door - intimidating. I initially walked past, then promptly did a 180, peeking my head in and asking to see a menu. Yes, this place would do. I asked for a table for one! He pointed to rooms on either side of him asking where I would like to sit. I indicated towards the room at the corner, stating I liked the window view. He asked if I would like to go up on the rooftop terrace. He could check if there was room. Rooftop terrace at their location, with their menu options, and with their price point! Things were turning in my favor. He pointed towards the stairs. I walked the flights up the two stories to the rooftop and things just got better and better. I wasn't surrounded by couples and families, which contributed to feelings of ease. In fact, the only other guest on the terrace was also a party of one. I was given the pick of the remaining tables and of course picked the table in the corner with the best views. I got rooftop views overlooking the street, up the hillside to my residence and in the opposite direction towards the cathedral. This was a wholly different perspective than I had yet experienced.
Once seated, I ordered my first salad in 3 weeks, ate the fresh salsa and chips provided and proceeded to sincerely enjoy myself and the gentle breeze. My pleasure continued when the salad with balsamic, goat cheese, walnuts, blueberries, papaya, kiwi, mango and pineapple arrived. The menu had only indicated fresh fruit. I'm not sure I had a green salad with any of those fruits before and I loved it (minus the papaya, common, why papaya? - but definitely way better than cantaloupe which I initially feared it was at first glance and prior to first tentative bite).
So like most of us, I have work to do on self-love in this season. This week my work looks like taking myself out to eat each night and practicing loving the sufficiency of my company and the experience it affords (because yum food, especially food someone else has prepared for you!). Interestingly, because I was not distracted by social interactions, I was able to give more of my attention to the actual experience of eating. My mental capacity could be focused on my mouth - the flavors, the textures, the movement of the Topo Chico bubbles over my tongue, past my cheeks, and down my throat.
May we always and increasingly see the blessing.
-esb
