Desire, Change, and Opportunity

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with a friend, in the context of a podcast interview. She shared the wisdom of following what she enjoyed and how that led her to have incredible and covetable access to and relationships with people she admires, whom she deems as wisdom leaders. This sounds simple enough, but it's not. We often don't listen to our enjoyment. In an achievement-based culture, we often make our decisions on other metrics - titles, money, belongings, busyness and so on. We haven't learned, as Eckhart Tolle recommends, to follow our bliss. We often don't know what we want, or it seems that I don't.

I wasn't taught to know what I want. Is this a gender role thing? I was taught to think of others.

Even times I did know what I wanted - like playing soccer, when I was younger - I thought it was selfish to fully explore and give myself to. In my 20's, I never did the Ironman triathlon for this reason. It would consume too much time and energy. How selfish.

What do I want job-wise in my career? Hard to say. I am often just so happy that someone would pay me consistently to work and offer me benefits. I am surprised to find others often choosier than me and able to say not, because they can see the job opportunity is not something they would enjoy. Maybe this has something to do with energy and change? Change takes energy, so I'd rather just stay here, even if it's not fulfilling, even if it isn't drawing me forward.

In my business ventures, I push, but not very hard, nor very long. I get into a rhythm and glide. Is this insecurity? If I tried more fully, I might fail?

What about relationally? I often haven't pursued relationships with people I admire - whether friendship or mentorship. Why is this? Insecurity of rejection? Lack of knowledge of myself? Fear of shifting currently relationship to create space for new relationships? I frequently struggle with follow through after the times I am brave enough to initiate contact with another. Going for convenience versus desire? I thing perceived selfishness is also here. I should love those here. All people deserved to be loved. This is true, but is everyone equally deserving of my time? I don't think so, but it seems I have some hang-ups.

What about in romance? How could I know what I wanted? Shouldn't I be content with what is? I have always known I desired companionship - deep companionship. Now as I leave a romantic partner of 16 years, how do I know what I want? How do I embrace what I want? How do I pursue what I want? How do I move on from the familiar to what is more whole? (I believe joy comes from integration).

How do I make a through-line from deep knowing, to acknowledging desire, to embracing desire, to pursuing desire and sustaining that pursuit? How do I transcend the belief that this is inherently selfish?

Early in the journey of this season, a friend repeatedly asked in a conversation what I wanted. It felt like an affront. I knew the overarching desire for deep connection and companionship, but how could I know what that looked like, what I wanted? I was so stuck in what was. I knew mostly what I didn't want. Wasn't that enough? Well, it's a start. Rob Bell refers to this type of knowing as a south star.

The transition from the deep knowing that this isn't right, to bringing the knowing to consciousness, to separating myself from the not-rightness has to precede moving towards what I actually want. It is progress, but often does not feel like progress. This is because moving away from the non-rightness requires grieving - what could have been, what should have been, what was never meant to be. And grief must be dealt with; it requires time and energy and curiosity.

Moving towards what we actually want means additional changes (see above for the required input of energy and time.) I'm discovering that, in order to move towards what I want, I have to let go of the dreams and hopes of the prior or current circumstances that didn't materialize. As long as I cling to what was or what should have been, I can't participate in what is trying to become. 

Becoming aligns with what we want.

In the podcast discussion, my friend inspired me with her combination of humility to follow a path that culture wouldn't support from an advancement and achievement standpoint, but that was so enjoyable for her. Observing the enjoyment and acting on it has led to ongoing meaningful relationships with others and incredible learning opportunities. I was also inspired by her self-belief in what she had to offer and the follow-through to pursue what she wanted - access to people she admired - and to take the steps to continue to show up. 

She also knew she didn't need to stay there forever and was okay to leave when her desire shifted and took her elsewhere in her past situations and in real time, as she quits her current job and prepares to move to another country. I imagine it like swinging Tarzan- or acrobatics-style on a vine to another vine. The second vine can't take you anywhere unless you let go of the first vine. If you desire movement, you can't continue to hold onto both vines. If you don't grasp to the second vine from the first vine, you won't progress and you will regress back to your starting point and ultimately become stagnant.

On the journey to integration by pursuing our joy, we can get tripped up at any of these points: awareness, self-belief, follow-through, and willingness to embrace change and let go.

Life isn't meant to be static. Look at so many things in the world that would benefit from change, and drastic change at that. We need to be people that encourage change in ourselves, those around us, and the world at large. The world is changing and also needs a lot of change. What kind of change will we allow?

Change and desire are related, intricately. We each have desires in us that we need - that our communities and the world needs. Knowing our desires requires looking within, not outside of us - like we have been taught from most institutions, religions, and capitalism. Follow-through requires self-love and discipline to navigate the seas of uncertainty that accompany change.

I am increasingly excited for what this next season will bring for me. I am excited for comrades that have done the want work and are being wooed by their desires into greater wholeness and partaking in life making their unique contributions to the world. I can't wait to experience your contribution. 

May you always see the blessing.

-Elle