A Fly in My Car
You know about the: "if I could be a fly on the wall", right? Well, if you could be a fly in my car, you would learn a lot of things.
A simple car ride can be the demise of any calm or mature facade I may have.
Follow me too close?
Don't let me in?
Give me a gesture implying I am less than?
Act like I'm doing something wrong or not driving appropriately?
These actions can launch me from monastic cool to raging profanity, indecent gestures, me desiring ill for the other and beyond. I am surprised each time. The emotions and outward actions leave as quickly as they come and I am left aghast that I contain such vitriol.
Me! Me who works so hard on growing and becoming. That is me.
And believe it or not, this is progress! My 23 months in residence in Portland helped me with my LA driving. I think I thwarted obtaining their special knack for polite, yet somehow surprisingly passive-aggressive, inefficient driving. But I did learn from them to slow down. On my return to LA, I remember thinking how quickly everyone was going and how everyone was in such flurry of self-importance. There is a swell of FOMO and productivity as identity on the LA streets. I wouldn't reclaim that energy on my return to LA, I vowed. It's been 3.5 years, so it's hard to say if I've just drifted back to my old Angeleno ways. But I tend to think I've carried yin from Portland to LA's yang. It's an upstream battle (a dangerous analogy to use when speaking of driving).
I do think that I have am yet to shake the self-importance. I've made headway and have many peaceful joyful automobile moments. I can be see either dancing and singing in my car, not stopping when I catch the attention of others, or can drive in silence, or pass the time listening to the local USC classical channel. Yes, it only took four decades but now I'll listen to classical music - in my car.
So if you were a fly in my car you were learn some of these things in subdued or violent detail, depending on the circumstance. You, too, would marvel at the extremes and that someone like me could hold such repose at time as well as angst and aggressive intentions at others.
Should I be mad at my car for bringing this out or thankful? I'm trending more towards viewing with gratitude the growth potential it highlights in my life. I'm not one for percentages, so I can’t chart my progress. However, my general mood in the car and progress towards blessing people and thinking happy thoughts about strangers moving in their corresponding machines around me is notably on the rise in the past few years, but wow, can it flip. It flips like nowhere else, other than perhaps my marriage. Perhaps rather than being ashamed of these outbursts, we should acknowledge them and learn from them, not in acts of condoning, but as illuminating signs. Our dark places need illuminating. So here is my public confession.
Sorry to some of the upset drivers that I can't yet abstain from reflecting your same energy back to you. I'm working on it. This is heaven-on-earth type miracles I'm praying for. I believe in miracles. And the fly in my car believes it will require a miracle too.