Not Favorably Impressed

I reckon that we all want favor. We all want good will. We want it from everyone, as a general rule, and we certainly want it from those closest to us, whether by familial relationship, choice, or proximity and circumstance.

Recently, I got my first ever written review of my first book - a contemplative memoir integrating an exploration of my judgements by way of naming them and reflecting on what in my life may have led to those judgements. This review wasn't a public review, but came via text. It came from someone that should love me unconditionally.

The text was essentially: "Just saw your book, not favorably impressed." 

This wasn't out of left field, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. The hurt is consistent with prior hurts and is why there have been increasing boundaries established by me when interacting with this individual. It is confirmation of the need to increasingly let go and grieve the reality of the relationship.

Getting this news was also healing. This confirmation was clarifying. In my book, I was the most vulnerable and authentic I have been publicly, and I wrote about real-time growth I was experiencing, which is a wildly vulnerable endeavor to undertake. For this reason, I sensed putting this book out would be somewhat divisive. My candor might surprise a lot of people. In surprise, people can vary in their responses. Some people will be inspired and drawn towards me, whereas others will distance themselves and share their negative judgements with me.

Even in the freshness of this negative review by an important figure in my life, I find myself holding space for both the sadness and the invitation into newness. This invitation is into an ever-deeper knowledge of my intrinsic worth regardless of the relationships and actions of those around me. It feels stabilizing. Sometimes what you fear happening can feel good and freeing, because it happens and you are still surviving. Beyond surviving, you have a sense that you can now better thrive, because you've released (or more accurately better released) the expectation of that person or those people or that group. It feels really good to know who you are and to love that. (I think even self-knowledge is always evolving because we are very deep wells with so much complexity and nuance and mystery. It's really remarkably beautiful).

As I love myself more and step out into the constant uncertainty of life and see what I am increasingly capable of and receive help and assistance from others as my needs and desires become known, my experience of beauty multiplies. I see the beauty in myself. I see the beauty in others. I see the beauty in the natural world. I see beauty in the unfolding of the previously uncertain circumstances.

So go ahead and show yourself. Let them be unfavorably impressed. Your worth was never contingent on their acceptance, and that's very freeing to know. And true knowing is always in step with action. That's the difference between faith and belief. Faith is friends with hope. And living a life of hope can get you through anything, all the while, bringing more color and joy into the world.

I think I'll go have a little dance right now.

May you always see the blessing.

-esb

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