Abide

I'm taking off two full weeks from work + two long weekends on either side. I can begin to tell you how hard it was to make that decision - to decide if it was the write thing to do. Now that I've made the decision and I'm telling people, including my clients and patients. I am being met with surprise and congratulations. I feel the same way. What an accomplishment!

Making mental plans to have Christmas tree in the living room year round!

The obstacles to get there were big. FOMO. Fear of missing out on the opportunity that the extra income would bring. Fear that my patients needed me and can't go that long without me. (I often vacation one week or less from the middle of the week to the middle of the week, so that they can still get seen each week, even if I take seven days off.)

Now that I have the time scheduled off. I know profoundly that it's the right thing to do. I know that I am just hanging on for the rest. I long for the nearly three weeks off, to just be, to shed all these things I am holding, to heal, to take time and prioritize people that are not my paid relationships. I will have time with loved ones, with myself, with my precious furry Wilmer. Family and chosen family will come together. I will make time for good nourishment. I will seek out beauty.

Will this make it harder to get a house sooner? I don't know. That was my big financial push this year. I know that I'll be better suited to go through the process and into next year after slower down for an extended period of time. For nearly two years, I've pushed through the hardship of the pandemic - isolation from friends and family, the drain of giving professions in education and healthcare - even cutting my summers in half to help with the need - stepping the burden of racial injustice, the hard healing work of leaning into repairing a marriage rutted in unhealthy patterns, the weight of small business ownership crushed by lockdown.

It's taken a toll. I'm getting by, but I'm getting by. I've felt mental anguish like never before. In the last year, I've seen a psychologist for the first time. I had a hearing loss scare. I stopped my beloved trail running due to knee pain. I had to limit the swimming that had just become available to me again due to new onset of shoulder pain. Then I had knee surgery. Then my other shoulder started hurting. Then my kidney became infected. Between that and the effect of the antibiotics, I'm struggling to bounce back.

The weight of just these health challenges is so great, but there are all the other things too. Oh yeah, did I fail to mention our dog becoming ill requiring surgery leaving him with a seven inch wound across his back side? It's a lot. I acknowledge it. I allow myself to feel it. I take breaks more than ever. I rest more than ever. I'm kinder to myself than ever. I think I'm kinder to others more than ever.

I'm supposed to be finished my PT notes and grading, but it just feels so heavy and the booster shot I took the other day has me not feeling the greatest.

All this is true. All at the same time.

But I'm still dreaming. In fact, the dreams are bigger than ever. But the jettisoning that is bound to happen, hasn't yet taken place. It's still incremental, such that sometimes I don't notice the progress. Over and over, I've wondered why. I've wondered what's missing. I've wondered what I might be doing wrong. Why can I see this future so clearly in some ways - the need, my unique contribution - but still not be there.

It seems clearer and clearer to me that the answer isn't more. The answer is working harder, pushing through, pulling myself up. The answer will come from rest - true rest, deep rest.

My great excitement for this next season is matched only by the fear that accompanies the transition. My next steps are requiring a lot of bravery from me. They always do. I think you know exactly what I mean. Maybe for you the next step, the next right thing is to take that rest, that break, that breath, that trip you've been afraid to. From rest comes deep listening and deep knowing. From there you can do anything. Anything!

We simply need to follow the invitation. I want to do my part. I want to be me. That is my gift to the world. I hope I am not too scared to offer you my fullness.

Be not afraid, Beloved.

It's interesting. I just wondered what I should title this essay. "What am I saying?" I reflected. Abide. This essay is about abiding. My word and theme for this year? Abide. I know what my word will be for 2022, but I'm not done learning the lessons of this year.

Abide, friends. It is a profound practice - a practice that doesn't get old and never fails to enlighten.

May you see the blessing.

-Elle